Time To Go

June 2, 2010

This blog has been a difficult one to write. So difficult that I couldn’t write it on Monday, and I even struggle to find the words to write today. But, it is one that must be written.

This blog began over two years ago, when we began to follow the whisper of God towards international adoption. Little did we know what was in store for us for the following two years.

Little did we know that countless people would find our tiny space on the world wide web and join in our journey.

Little did we know that the lifeline that this blog brought to us was a gift from God that we could have never anticipated.

Words of encouragement and prayers, financial giving, humor, advice, wisdom, tears, smiles were poured over us week after week in response to our story. I would walk down the halls of church and someone would say, “I read your blog…I’m waiting with you.” Or, “I think I’m more frustrated over all of this waiting than you are.”

I’ve met friends from all over the world through this blog, friends who have gone before us on this adoption road and people who are coming behind.

Every Monday, amidst all of the ups and downs and twists and turns of the international adoption process, I would know that I had a blog to write. It was a tool that brought me back each week to the heart of God, it forced me to sit and be still and be reminded of who He is and how He has led us down this road.

Some weeks, the blogs were full of pain, pain that couldn’t be summed up in words. I remember there were weeks that as I was typing, tears would be streaming down my face, sometimes in frustration and anger, sometimes in weariness of waiting.

When the silent weeks and months would go by of not hearing anything or when we found out that our region had been changed and we were back to square one…those were the weeks when I felt like raising the white flag, of giving up. It felt too hard. The pain was too much.

But, then I would remember all of the people who were standing behind us, holding up our arms, praying on our behalf when I didn’t have the words, encouraging us with the light of His Truth when all we could see was a dark hole of waiting and unanswered questions.

There were some weeks where I felt like I had nothing to say. How many times can you say, “still waiting”? But even in those stagnet times of seeming nothingness, we would find encouragement and hope in the words of those who were walking this journey with us.

And of course, there were the blogs that were so fun and amazing and surreal to write. The blog about seeing Dima’s face for the first time, the blog about our time in Russia and meeting our precious son. I would write those blogs as tears would stream down my face, only this time, it was tears of joy and gratitutde, of unbelief in His goodness to us.

My prayer is that I will never forget the times of waiting. Those were some of the darkest times of my life, but they are also some of the times where I have never felt closer to God. I have never needed Him more. I have never needed to be convinced of His goodness more than I did in those years of waiting.

Often times we hear people say, “God is good because He gave you a child. God is good because I got the job I wanted. God is good because (fill in your own blank).”

But, God brought me to the very hard truth to be able to say God is good. Period. He is good because He is good. He is not good because He gave me something I wanted. He’s not good because of outward circumstances.Even in the midst of deep, dark, nagging pain, I came to the place where I could say God is good. I am grateful that God didn’t just give me when I want when I wanted it. If He had, I think I would be likely to have taken some sort of credit for how He brought us to Dima.

And so it is with a reflective, joy-filled heart to say that this blog has officially come to an end. Not because I have nothing more to say. Not because the journey is over. In fact, in many ways, our journey of adoption has just begun as we navigate through what it looks like to parent our almost 3 year old in this new world.

But, it just feels right to allow this blog to come to an end. I would love to stay connected with you who have followed our journey, you who have become our friends, you who will always have a place in the story of our family’s life. Feel free to email me or find me on facebook.

Thank you for walking by our side through this story that God has written in our lives. I have never been more convinced of the need for honesty in our relationships that I have been over these last few years.

Many times people will say, “I can’t believe how vulnerable you are on your blog.” I always respond by saying, “I have to be.” May that continue to be true in my life with my relationshps. That honesty is a must for growing deeper with friends. That honesty is a must for growing deeper with God.

As we trudge through true pain with each other, we also get to the other side where we experience true joy with each other. Thank you for weeping as we wept and rejoicing as we rejoiced.

Until next adoption 🙂 love, Steve and Kate