I Know.

May 3, 2010

Well, as you may know, I did not update the blog last week. I spent about an writing an entry, I even gave it to Steve, my editor 🙂 to publish. But just before he did, I told him to hold off. I was not in a good place when I wrote it.

I was in a moment of frustration and it came out all wrong. I am all about honesty and transparency, but I never want my blog to be a place where I vent my frustrations over insensitive comments people have made. So God convicted my heart and nudged me to bring it to Him first, so that He could deal with my heart, before I unleashed it onto the world wide web 🙂

So, maybe some time soon, I will revisit my ideas for last Monday’s entry, but it will come to you in a way that actually brings glory to God.

Dima meeting his Uncle Jeff

This past week was spent mostly at Akron Children’s Hospital. Dima underwent multiple tests and exams to try to get a baseline understanding of his physical, mental and psychological health. At the beginning of this adoption journey, we were informed that we would get little to no medical history on our child. Although we knew that, the reality of this became very clear and painful this past week.

At each appointment, I would have to fill out a very similar piece of paperwork. Paperwork that I have filled out for myself at doctors appointments many times and never thought twice about them.

Does your child have any history of asthma? Unknown. Any history of heart disease? Unknown. Any history of cancer? Unknown. Is he allergic to anything? Not that I know of. Has he ever had chicken pox? I don’t know. What is the height of the child’s parents? Unknown. What is your child’s social security number? I don’t know, he doesn’t have one yet. Does your child have any family history of psychological disorders? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know!

As I sat in the last of a very long string of doctors appointments, all I wanted to do was ball up the paperwork and throw it at the receptionist. The words on the papers seemed so taunting.

My eyes filled with tears as I checked the “unknown” box time after time. I looked down on the waiting room floor to see MY son, searching the bottom of my purse for the half a goldfish cracker he dropped, completely oblivious to the “unknowns” that seemed to characterize his life on paper.

In this moment, as the pain began to well in my heart, it seemed God whispered into my heart this truth, “My sweet daughter, Katie. I know.”

“But, I don’t know his past.” I know.

“But, I don’t know his future.” I know.

“But, I don’t know if he’s going to be tall or short or what color his hair will turn next.” I know.

“But, I’m scared.” I know.

Deep breath.

It is good and right for me to grieve the fact that I don’t know anything about my son’s family history. It is something of my own that I  have taken for granted every day of my own life. It is good and right for me to grieve that I did not know my son for the first 2 ½ years of his life. And one day, he will need to grieve that too.

But it is also good and right for me to rest in the fact that God knows. The He has known Dima from the moment he was placed in his birth mommy’s belly. He knew the number of hairs on his head. He knows his allergies and his medical history and because He has called me to be this precious child’s mommy, He will give me and equip me with all that I need to know, each step of the way.

It will not come to me on a piece of paper with checked in boxes, it will come to me, as it has, through day to day glimpses, as I slowly piece together where he has come from. And I am grateful that I serve a God who knows….

“God, You know Dima inside and out, You know every bone in his body; you know exactly how he was made, bit by bit, how he was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, You watched Dima grow from conception to birth; all the stages of his life were spread out before You. The days of his life all prepared before he’d even lived on day.” (Psalm 139:15-16)

Updates:

  • Dima has amazed his doctors with his personality, gross motor skills and his growing vocabulary
  • he still has to do a few more follow up medical tests  in the coming weeks

Prayer Requests:

  • wisdom in navigating through all the medical issues
  • continued healthy growth and development for Dima

Until next Monday, love Kate & Steve.

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9 Responses to “I Know.”

  1. kirsten said

    kate, He does know! how right you are and what a beautiful way to phrase it all. what an amazing way for you to get to know our heavenly Father. what an amazing way for Him to show you how much He loves you and dima. how great that He would show you this truth, that He knows everything about dima, so that you can teach dima this truth throughout his life. so grateful he is with you and that he will see the Lord through you. much love.

  2. Lauren said

    Kate that was wonderful. How great to know that to every question we ask.. he has an answer. What a needed reminder.

  3. Kathy said

    Kate,

    How will you ever know how much your words of wisdom mean in my life, how will I ever ever be able to tell you how you have helped me along my own adoption journey. You are a miracle in my life. Sincerely, Kathy

  4. Sally said

    Kate,

    As someone who is adopted myself, believe me, the questions NEVER stop. I have come to rejoice in the fact that I do not know what my history is. As I grow older and started to have children of my own, the only question I have is “I wonder if my children look like my biological parents?” But, then everything fades away as I remember that I look like my Heavenly Father and we are all one. Congratulations on Dima, and what a wonderful Mother and Father you are.

  5. Margaret said

    Thank you once again for your insightful entry. We do take this history so for granted and there are adopted, orphaned children all over, (and grown-ups) without that security of being in their personhood. Thank you once again for bringing to mind something for which I can be grateful and to praise God for parents who knew Jesus and taught me about God’s wonderful Fatherhood for us. Bless you as you continue. I love the picture with his Uncle Jeff. He has a WONDERFUL family history now!

  6. Landon Jones said

    Though Laura does most of the doctor stuff these days, I know what it feels like. How many conversations have we had wondering what is happening with Liam. Is it due to being in an orphanage? Is it just being a 2-year-old? What is his history? When he cries in the night, what is he remembering?

    It’s so hard.

    But then there are moments where he sits on my lap, looks into my eyes and then gives me a kiss. And all I can remember was this stiff-legged, overalls-wearing, little boy with bites and rashes all over his face, who would not look me in the eyes. I remember that first day we met him and the pain and uncertainty in my own heart.

    Then I look at him now and wonder if he is the same person. How true that our adoption journeys should teach us so much about how God views us and how we should view ourselves.

    Thanks for your posts. Even though we don’t post as much, we are going through the exact same things, so know we’re there with you! I know Laura (and Liam and me) is so looking forward to getting to meet y’all in person this summer!

  7. Stephanie said

    That is a fantastic picture of Jeff and Dima! Dima looks like he is ready to take off to the playground – and I can’t blame him – it looks fun!

    Isn’t it always exciting when they learn a new word/concept or figure out how to do something they couldn’t before?! It’s great to read his gross motor skills and vocabulary are developing. That is such a huge thing at that age – I love it! It is also fun learning about them from day to day. I look forward to that every day. I imagine it never ends!

    I read before he is going to gymnastics – where are you taking him? My daughter goes to The Little Gym and loves it. We live in an apartment so it’s a great place to get energy out and learn new skills. I’ve also always seen it as a safe place for her to fall and get back up and try again 🙂

    The digging for a goldfish comment reminds me of something my daughter did the other day. My husband offered her one goldfish from his hand and he opened his hand to let her take it. Well, he got left with only one – she took the rest! She got the “one” right, just wrong person 🙂 Cute what they do!

  8. jodi tucker said

    Kate, You’re still a WILD woman…..of course, WILD standing for Wise, Insightful, Loving, and Devoted.
    I will pray for Dima’s healthy growth and wisdom for you and Steve with all the medical issues. From a little different perspective as a music teacher at an elementary school nearby, I see too many kids with parents who don’t even seem to give a rip about their child’s history, present, or future. It totally baffles me, but it is true as evidenced by parental drug abuse, alcoholism, not communicating at all with any teachers who request a conversation, not being present for anything at school that is important to the child, and the list goes on and on.
    I can only lift them up in prayer to our Lord (and call CSB on some)knowing that He does know the number of hairs on everyone’s head and every fine detail of each individual. Some days it is almost overwhelming the needs of these kids….and they are in our own backyards in the greater Akron area. I just have to keep going back every day, every hour to the Lord and ask Him for wisdom, insight, love, and devotion for these 390 kids of mine……the kind of WILD you have for Dima as a Mom. OH yeah…..Happy Mothers Day!!!

  9. Stephanie said

    Dear Kate & Steve

    I have to admit, as I’m writing this I can’t help but wonder how you’ll feel about a complete stranger from the opposite end of world (I’m South African, currently in Switzerland) commenting on something as deeply personal as this blog. At the same time, I just can’t NOT thank you for your courage in placing something so precious in a place where someone like me could stumble across it.

    You see, I’m trying to begin my own adoption journey – at last being able to act on a decision reached back in 2004 during my junior year in college. My country has finally enacted the Hague Convention into law on 1 April 2010, making it possible to petition for adoption of a foreign-born child via the state department, thereby eliminating the need to involve overseas agencies (and having to pay fees in US Dollars which have to be multiplied by 8 at the current exchange rate). The problem now though, is that as prices go down, bureaucratic inertia tends to go up…

    Just as I was consoling myself with the thought that things couldn’t possibly get any more frustrating, the Torry Hansen-debacle hit the press and suffice it to say that Googling “single parent adoption Russia” has not been a very uplifting experience in recent weeks. I was on the verge of turning off my laptop and vowing not to think about adoption again until I leave Europe, when the need for a glimmer of hope amidst all of the ugliness had me running a search for “recent adoption success stories Russia,” which brought me to your video journal.

    After being inundated with all that could go wrong – both real and sensationalized – all I can say is “thank you” for giving me a glimpse of what can go RIGHT. Watching that little boy transform from an orphan into your SON, was so very humbling and is bound to be on my mind when the Lord finally sees fit to bring me and my own child together.

    The cautionary tales are quick to remind us that “love is not enough” when it comes to worst-case scenarios, and while it’s true that no feelings of mine have the power to erase RAD or FAS or ADHD, GOD’S love does have the power to keep those things from crossing my path as long I walk beside him. Bless you and your family for reminding me of that.

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