Much Longing

December 22, 2009

I am currently writing this blog from North Carolina at my parent’s house. Their house is beautifully decorated for Christmas, complete with a tree in the living room and ornaments from Christmas’ past.

I love looking at our ornaments, remembering what each one represents. There is a baby carriage from my first Christmas, a stuffed raccoon ornament that looks like my favorite stuffed animal, and a little piano, marking the year I began piano lessons. The tree is one big reflection on my childhood and great memories of our family.

As I was looking at the tree, allowing my mind to travel down memory lane, I spotted an unfamiliar ornament. I reached for it and read “Grandchildren are life’s greatest gift”. In the ornament was a picture of Lucy, my sweet little niece, and on the other side was a picture of our little man. It kind of took my breath away. It was another jolt of the reality of what is taking place. This tree that is full of Christmas past, is now a tree the represents the hope of Christmas future.

We watched the video from our first trip to Russia last night with my parents. Steve mentioned afterwards that watching the video makes it feel like so long ago when we were with our son. And as we prayed later that night Steve said, “God please speed the day that we will see him again.”

Although I am very grateful, this Christmas is one of much longing. We see his name on a present under the tree, but know we will be the ones who have to open the gift, not him. We put together a Christmas package to mail him and his little friends, but we cannot send it because we were informed that it would most likely get “lost.”It breaks our hearts to know that as we are celebrating and enjoying being with family, we are missing one.

I look at that ornament on the tree and see his big, beautiful smiling face as he responds to his daddy giving him a big kiss. The look on his face is one of delight, security and love. And I wonder…Is he smiling right now? What makes him laugh? Do he and his friends play and giggle together? What does he delight in? Is there a caretaker who gives him a little tickle as she passes by him?

My prayer during this Christmas season, as I am reminded by his ornament, is that something or someone will cause him to smile. Maybe it will be a new toy that is given to the orphanage. Maybe it will be a little extra dinner on his plate to enjoy. Maybe it will be a memory of our time together or a dream that brings him back to our time together. Those are the things that make me smile.

I sent our agency an email today that said, “What are the chances we will hear anything before Christmas?” AsI was typing this blog, I got a response from our case worker. It stated that it is unlikely we will hear anything before Christmas regarding a court date. She added “we should hear something after the holidays, I hope.” This is very unassuring and very difficult to hear.

The following was the way I was ending the blog before I read the email from our agency…

There are so many things that I have learned during this whole journey, but one of the main things is that God has a bigger, more profound story that He is writing than I can see with my own mortal eyes. His ways are not always ours, His thoughts are not always ours.

For a while, that statement would bother me. Why aren’t his ways ours? But now, over time, I have grown at deep peace with that Truth. It is a Truth that allows me to release my grip of control over my life, over my timeline, over my expectations and lay it in the Hands of the God who sees. It is a Truth that allows me to enjoy the present and look forward to the future.

So as I long for our little man this Christmas, I also find total enjoyment in being with family and living in gratitude for what God has done for us this year.

And now, after reading the email, I sit with tears streaming down my face in frustration, fear and sadness. I am praying for the faith to believe what I have just written.

Prayer Requests:

  • we are feeling pretty sad right now – we just yearn to be with our little guy
  • that our documents wouldn’t sit on a desk somewhere in Russia, but that they will be processed quickly
  • for God to comfort and care for our little boy

Until next Monday, love Kate & Steve


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7 Responses to “Much Longing”

  1. Mama Mary said

    Sending hugs from Hartville.

  2. april said

    what a beautiful heartfelt blog..thanks for sharing this! i am praying for you guys!

  3. Wendi said

    Your blog brought a tear to my eye, Kate. You’ll soon be united forever with your beautiful boy and just think of all the joy you will share with him next Christmas.

    Hugs, Wendi

    • Jill said

      Thinking of you… my heart breaks with you. This will be behind you soon. And know that we all wish we could take this anxiety, fear, and longing away. Enjoy your Christmas with your family!!!

  4. Lauren said

    Kate.. I appreciate your honesty so much. You are in my prayers.

  5. Helen Allphin said

    I have thought of you guys often over the past couple of days. Christmas is such a mixture of emotions — thoughts of past, present, and future. I pray that the God of the Universe that came to be “with us” “with me” will be “with your little guy”. Love you so, Helen

  6. kathy said

    Dear Kate,

    I have been reading your blog from the beginning as it was my lifeline as I, too, was waiting for our referral. I am happy to say, that I am truly walking your exact journey. We just returned on the 18th from meeting our beautiful daughter in Russia. This is our first adoption and our first child. And it has truly been a blessing but also very painful, I thought I was prepared to leave her knowing how the process works, but I was not and my days are filled with sadness as we also wait to hear something about a potentional court date. My God continue with us on this journey, the journey he has chosen for us. I look forward to hearing you have your court date because I feel then that mine will soon follow. Lots of love and God Bless, Kathy

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