The Redeemer of Lost Dreams

December 15, 2009

A couple of years ago I went through the darkest valley of my life. It was the day after almost a year of fertility treatments. It was a year marked by weekly doctors appointments, experimenting with drug prescriptions, up and down emotions, and month after month all I got was disappointing news.

Until one day. It was a day that had become part of my monthly fertility routine. It was the day I would go to the doctor to find out of it “worked”. And this day, began like any of the others.

I walked up the 2 flights of stairs and into the doctors office. The nurse at the front desk, who I knew by name, greeted me with the same look of anticipation on her face. “This is the month”, she would say to me. I would go back for a blood test and an ultrasound with the reproductive specialist. This is where the normal day began to stray from what I had always known.

Usually the doctor would look at the ultrasound and give a frown. He would say, “well, doesn’t look like anything, let’s try again for next month.” Only this time, there was no frown. There was no, “well…” Instead there was a glimmer in his eyes. “Kate,” he said. “You’re pregnant.”

My heart leaped and my eyes welled with tears of disbelief. He told me to call back in a few hours to confirm the blood test. And so I did. For many of you who have been following the blog or watched our video, you would know that the phone call to confirm the blood test became a phone call filled with apologies and sadness from the nurse, informing me that the doctor was mistaken. I was not pregnant.

Then began several months of wrestling through grief. Steve and I decided to not proceed any further with the medical route towards parenthood. We needed a break. Our bodies need rest. Our souls needed to be refreshed. Our relationship needed to be recentered.

Most of all, God and I needed to take a journey together. A journey down the deep, dark roads of expectations, hopes and dreams for our future. A journey that ultimately led to the loving, passionate heart of God, but took many detours along the way.

Many of those detours involved me having to grieve over the lost dream of having a child. Grieving things as silly as never getting to wear maternity clothes, or getting to park in the expectant mothers parking spot at Target. Grieving things like the experience of giving birth and the bond that takes place between a mother and child and husband and wife.

As God allowed me to grieve each of these dreams lost, He held me close and reminded me of His satisfying love for me. The grief was so important in our journey towards parenthood. It allowed for my own dreams to be broken, so that God could open up my heart and mind to bigger dreams He had in store for me. Dreams that would lead us to a big yellow building in Russia. Dreams that would bring us together with the son He picked out for us.

One of the areas that I had to grieve were baby showers. I love parties and being in a room full of people, celebrating something exciting. I love celebrating for others, but I have to be honest and admit that I love being celebrated.

I’m not one of those people who doesn’t enjoy being the center of attention. I am a performer by nature and I am energized by being in the middle of things. In fact, one of my secret dreams is to be on a dance floor, being pushed to the middle of the circle and everyone starts chanting, “go Kate, go Kate.” You can laugh. But, it is true.

Yesterday was a huge redemptive milestone in our journey towards parenthood: my very first baby shower. I never thought this would eever happen. I thought this hope was buried and left behind in my box of dreams.

It was so wonderful. We sat around in a good friend’s house and celebrated together. Friends from all different areas of my life circled around and watched me open gifts. We laughed together, cried together and then ended with a very special time of prayer for our little man. It was beautiful.

At the end of our time, I shared a little bit of my heart. As tears streamed down my face, I looked around the room, into the face of each woman and just thanked God. Each woman in that room played a such a significant role in our journey towards parenthood.

Some had been there from the beginning. Some are just coming into the story. Some have been prayer warriors, some have given financially, some have encouraged with words, some with hugs. But all have been uniquely involved in our story. And I was just so grateful. The shower was far more than I could have ever imagined. Instead of diapers and receiving blankets, the gift wrapped boxes were filled with little boy clothes, mega blocks, and toy motorcycles. I loved every minute of it.

When I came home, Steve and I looked through all of the gifts and read all of the cards. I asked him, “what is your favorite?” He looked around the gift-filled room and he said, “I know this sounds weird.” And we went over and picked up a pack of toddler socks. “When I saw these, reality set in.”

Reality is setting in. A room that has only held a crib for the last 18 months, is now being filled with toys and clothes. We are praying that very soon those toys and clothes with be played with and worn by a very special little boy. But for now, that dream is on hold.

Updates:

  • our agency informed us that they have all of our paperwork and are sending it out to Russia tomorrow
  • we are hoping this is the last of it

Prayer Requests:

  • here is the BIGGEST thing right now: we have been informed that our home study expires in mid-March
  • what this means is that if we don’t receive a court date by early to mid February, we’ll have to start the ENTIRE home study process over again
  • this would be painful to us – so PLEASE pray that we would get a court date soon!!!

Thanks for sharing in this journey with us. Until next Monday, love Kate & Steve.

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9 Responses to “The Redeemer of Lost Dreams”

  1. Sue said

    Go Katie, Go Katie, Go Katie!!!!
    You might have never heard that on the dance floor- but you have sure heard it on the soccer field many times.
    Love,
    Mom

  2. Kacey said

    Tears. Would you stop it, already? Does Target REALLY have expectant mother spots? Seriously? We here in Cali aren’t that cool, apparently. ; )

  3. Kris said

    Kate,
    I will be praying that you can return for your special little boy VERY soon. Your family is in my heart and in my prayers. Can’t wait to see you all together in a picture! Blessings to you all!
    Kris

  4. Amy said

    Kate,
    your blog always brings me to tears, in a good way. I am so happy for you now. Like you, I could not have a child of my own so I can relate completely with your words. I will pray for you that you get a court date soon. Just pray. God answered my prayers thanks to prayers. I am almost there as well. Good luck.

  5. Karen said

    Kate, Thank you for including us in your journey by writing such detailed updates. I appreciate that you share your heart along with the news. I’m so excited for you & Steve. I had no idea that you were going through all of this. Wow! I understand the grieving thing. . . and am greatful for the comfort that comes from our Father and the special gifts (like a babyshower). I also understand loving a little boy that you can’t hold when you want to. I’m so proud of you for making the attitude adjustments of humility and surrender to the plan God has for your life, even though it’s been painful. “The LORD is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him.” (NLT) Yesterday, I was reading the story of Job to Lacey and was reminded that God let Job suffer for a while because He knew He could trust him to still love Him. Job lost everything, got terribly sick, and all of his friends said mean things to him; but He still praised God! He trusted tha​t God was good and was close to him. Thi​s makes me think of you! God knew He could trust you! The end of Job’s story is that God blessed him with more children, more animals, more servants, and twice as much money! God ​loves to bless those who honor Him. I can’t wait to see your next family picture!! The blessings WILL come! Consider yourself hugged!

  6. Karen said

    Oops! I’m gonna blame this on the tears. . . I should’ve checked my spelling and mentioned the reference to the verse I quoted. It’s Nahum 1:7. 🙂 ~ Karen

  7. april said

    praying you get a court date soon! How precious that your friends & family threw you a baby shower! I totally understand all your feelings you wrote about and it thrilled my heart to see that you got your baby shower! Oh how I cannot wait for that day! :0)

  8. Victoria said

    Don’t worry about the home study, court dates really pick up once the Christmas season is over. I know the pain of infertility, but I can honestly say, when you have a baby and they show it to you, it is EXACTLY the same feeling as when you see your adopted child for the first time. I have come to parenthood both ways, and one is not better than the other. (Although adoption might be a tiny bit more exciting!) I am sure you will be in Russia very soon – and he’ll be wearing those socks! 🙂

  9. Kate, Just discovered your blog via facebook. I’ve been so blessed reading it. Your heart for the Lord and the Love that is just pouring out of your heart for your son is so very evident. Thanks so much for sharing what God is doing! We will definitely be praying for you two!!

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