Feelings

July 21, 2009

Last night was an absolutely beautiful night in Akron, OH. The weather was perfectly warm with a small breeze occasionally causing the trees to dance. The sky looked never ending and there was a calm in the neighborhood. Steve and I decided to go for a walk.

The subject of our adoption came up, which it hasn’t for a while…partly because there’s not much to say since it seems there is not much happening. What we soon realized was the bigger part of why the subject hasn’t come up in a while.

The last year has been a roller coaster to say the least. We went from absolute excitement in the starting phases of the adoption, moving to fear and also to sadness. As I think over the past couple of months, without knowing it, our hearts had turned numb.  One definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” That is what our days felt like in the area of adoption. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Nothing changing.

Our hearts began to slowly fade. The excitement, the anticipation, the hope all began to fade. I think when we try and numb our hearts to pain, there is no other option but for our hearts to also numb to joy and hope and peace too. We either feel all or we feel nothing. For these past few weeks, we have been feeling nothing. And we didn’t even realize it.

Then yesterday at church, our pastor gave a message Revelation 2 about losing your first love. What snuck in and took away the love, the joy and the deep, supernatural “feelings” that flows out of our relationship with Christ?

I thought about that a lot yesterday afternoon. I think for me, it was my own expectations about how this adoption was supposed to go. These unmet expecations numbed a lot of my feelings. So I boldly declared to God, “I will have no more expectations.”

While He didn’t respond to me audibly, I felt as if he was speaking this into my soul, “My precious Katie. In an effort to protect your heart and mind, you have eliminated all expectations – the expectations of a time table, of the journey, and of having a child. But in the process you also eliminated your expectations of what I (God) can do. Don’t you know that you can put your hope in an expectation far greater: that I will do immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine? Have expectations. Set them high. Set them far beyond your imagination. That is where I will meet you. It may not look like or feel like you hoped, but My thoughts are not yours. They are so much higher. So much greater. So much deeper.”

As I sat in that special, intimate moment with my God, my feelings came back. My joy came back. My hope came back. It was as if I was given permission to have expectations…and promised that what He was going to do would be even greater.

So with the joy and excitement, returns the pain and the longing for my little one. The deep desire for this process to be over and the reminder that when it is over, it’s not really over, it has actually just begun. And I love it. I love feeling.

Updates:

  • today we are completing some paperwork that needs to be updated
  • we continue to wait through the extended periods of silence

Prayer Requests:

  • that God would keep us close to him andto each other during all of this
  • for our little one, wherever they may be, that they would be loved and cared for

Until next Monday, love Kate and Steve.

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7 Responses to “Feelings”

  1. courtney day said

    wow, kate. that is just so beautiful. to be willing to be patient, to be “shaken well,” and to be vulnerable to pain, hurt, fear, joy, hope, and ultimately love is such a strong act of faith, and one that i’m sure will be blessed. one thing i’ve learned from you over the years is that its okay–even good– to feel deeply. sometimes it hurts, but it is the only only way to have the capacity to fully enjoy God’s infinite blessings. anyways, i just wanted you two to know that i’m still thinking of you guys and praying for you, and i have high hopes for you and your little one because i know that God is fully able to meet and surpass even our greatest expectations.

  2. Mom said

    Ahhh- my precious Katie…I have a lump in my throat- I ache so deeply for you to experience all that God has for you. You are so wise, so patient, so loving, so loved.
    We are still with you on this journey.
    Love,
    Mom

  3. Kathy Peterson said

    Katie,
    Thank you for sharing your heart. God has truly met you and we get a glimpse into His heart for you. Our prayers continue to be with you and Steve!
    love,
    Kathy

  4. Mama Mary said

    Life without feelings becomes a boring drudgery, although sometimes I have wished that I didn’t feel so deeply. But the tears and the giggles and the sorrow and the surprises and the pain and the butterflies in the stomach all make life exciting and unpredictable. The joy would be nothing without the suffering preceding it. Embrace it all, Kate (and Steve). Hold on to your dreams. And allow yourselves to anticipate the wonderful things that God will do in you and through you and for you.

  5. Ann Lightbody said

    Steve and Kate,
    Thank you for your updates and inspiration with your blog. I can’t tell you how often I have found myself somehow on your blog to be immediately uplifted. You guys are in our prayers.
    Keith, Ann, Jack (15) and Bobby (12).

  6. Karen Kopchick said

    Praying for you guys every Wednesday! ❤

  7. joditucker said

    Praying for your requests right now.

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