Bigger Dreams

June 2, 2009

A shattered dream is a discouraging thing to think about. Aren’t our dreams, thoughts and expectations about life what we hold closest to our hearts? Our culture reinforces this: “You can do anything if you put your mind to it.” “Reach for the stars.” “Dream impossible dreams.” Even the Psalms talk about God “giving us the desires of our hearts.”

I’ve often thought if I pray for what I want, and and pray hard enough, or long enough for it, God will eventually respond. But, what if He doesn’t? What if the dreams we dream aren’t His? Does that make Him an unloving God? Does that make him a God who withholds good things from His children? These are questions that I have been thinking through a lot in the past few weeks.

I remember in one of the adoption classes Steve and I went to a few months ago, our instructor, (a long-time social worker) talked about children who were removed from their homes. She said she would walk into bad situations like houses filled with trash, insects, drugs scattered around and parents no where to be found. They would come to rescue the children from these dire circumstances.

You would think that the kids would embrace the chance to escape and say to the social worker “thank you for rescuing me”. But that isn’t what they would experience. Instead they told us,  the children would often try to run out the back door when they saw the workers coming?

Why? Because although their home life was horrible and filled with neglect, it was all they knew to be home. The fear of being taken away from what they knew blinded them from a life that could be so much better for them. These poor children didn’t know there were bigger dreams and better opportunities than what they had in life.

In many ways, I feel like this story is great example of what God has done with my dreams of parenthood. Surrendering my infertility to God was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. The pain of the loss of a dream, of an expectation, of a deep desire of my heart, was overwhelming at times. I wanted to “run out the back door” and say to God, “you are not going to take me out of this desire, out of this comfortable dream I have been living in for my whole life.”

The dream of having biological children was all I knew. But, I believe that God chased after me and allowed my dream to be shattered. He allowed this, not because He is an unloving God, but because He is a God who has a bigger dream for my life. There is deep pain in shattered dreams, but God continues to teach me that there is deep joy and intimacy when He replaces those dreams with HIS dreams.

The other day I had a great conversation about this with my mom. It was so amazing for me to say ”there truly is nothing I want more than to meet our adopted baby, wherever he or she may be.” God has given Steve and I a new dream of international adoption.

In the process He is showing me that He has bigger dreams and better opportunities than I can imagine on my own. But I need to be okay with the shattering of my own “self-made” dreams. I believe if I can make it through the pain of the shattering, what is left is my God who still loves me and is walking with me down new paths.

So my prayer is, “Lord, keep shattering and keep remaking.”

Updates:

  • just working through updating paperwork that is expiring
  • we have crossed the 1 year mark in our journey of adoption

Prayer Requests:

  • we’ve been feeling very discouraged lately
  • strength as we continue to wait
  • that God would lead us to our child soon

Until next Monday, love Kate & Steve.

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6 Responses to “Bigger Dreams”

  1. Kacey said

    Tears. I am continuing to pray for you guys!

  2. Mama Mary said

    Love you so so much.

  3. Mom said

    God teaches me so much through you and Steve….I just love ya’ll!!!!

  4. :) said

    You don’t know me, but I found your video on youtube introducing your journey to adopt, and it led me to this blog. I’m 20 now, but at the age of 16 I found out I was incapable of having chilren, and ever since then I always knew I would adopt. I knew I wanted to persue international adoption, and always found Russia to be the place I think I might want to go. I just find your blog so amazing, and so informative. I am not at any time soon looking to have children, but I figure if I prepare myself now for the journey to come, after I get married and my career gets going, things may be easier to understand during this crazy journey.

    As a stranger looking in, I just felt that I needed to say that your story has touched me in so many ways. It’s a tough journey your in, and I know that in years to come, I will be going through those same emotions. I’m so glad that you are able to share with us everything that is going on, the good and the bad. But just remember everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan for all of us! Just think, if it weren’t for you sharing your thoughts in this blog, I wouldn’t have been able to hear your story, and learn from it. It is a truely amazing story, that will most definetly have a happy ending!

    Thank you for sharing your journey to the world. I look forward to next monday! I’ll be praying for you both!

  5. joditucker said

    Praying now for you.

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