Happy and Sad

October 6, 2008

“Aren’t you so excited?”, a kind, well-meaning friend asked me referring to our adoption. But, the reality of that moment was “no, I would not have used the word excited to describe my emotional state at this time.” The day she asked the question, I had just gone to a doctor appointment to discuss some infertility issues. Just because we’re adopting, it does not erase the other physical issues and side effects that go along with our infertility. So the last couple of weeks I have found myself often wrestling with the balance of excitement and joy about our adoption, with the continued frustration and sadness over our infertility.

In the process God is continually bringing me to a place where I now know that adoption is not a “replacement”. That would be just too much pressure and responsibility to place on our little St. Pete. He/she is not supposed to fill the loss of our infertility. We are fully convinced that God has led us to international adoption. He has put it in our heart as a desire and a passion and honestly, I can’t imagine not doing it! So, in that way, “yes I am absolutely excited about our adoption”. I am anxious and can’t wait to see St. Pete for the first time, for our eyes to meet and all this love I have stored up in my heart for him or her to finally be poured out into their life. But, there are times when I am also just sad. Am I allowed to say that?

This past week was one of those times. Maybe its because I spent a few days at the doctor’s office taking blood tests and trying to make some health related decisions. Maybe its because one of the tests I had to take was a pregnancy test in order to proceed with some other treatments. Although I knew (and actually hoped) that it would say no, it was almost as if that little test were mocking me. NEGATIVE – it seemed to scream.

God has been teaching me to truly live and feel and respond to the realities of life. That I don’t have to put on a plastered smile and act like everything is so wonderful all of the time. God is big enough for all of my emotions – for my excitement, for the joy and gratitude that He has led us down this beautiful road of adoption; and also for the pain, sadness and confusion that we will all face in our lives. I’m learning that I can be both happy and sad – and that doesn’t make me crazy. Just human ☺

Updates:

  • We are still waiting on 2 documents to be authenticated. Once these are all complete, our agency will send them off to Russia to start the process of registering Steve and I to officially adopt from their country
  • We are continuing to receive donations from all kinds of people – people that we know and don’t know. We are so grateful.

Prayer:

  • Pray for the caregivers in Russia – all of them, but specifically where little St. Pete is – that they would love our little one and feel encouragement from our prayers
  • Pray for speed with the documents so we can get registered in Russia
  • Pray for continued financial giving – God has already done so much through people and we are asking for Him to continue to stir in the hearts of people to give
  • This month one of the 3 grant organizations we’ve applied to will review our case. Please pray that they will be generous to us!

Until next Monday, Kate & Steve.

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3 Responses to “Happy and Sad”

  1. msflowe said

    My precious little girl,
    Thank you for the reminder that you are indeed human. I love you so much and am so very thankful for you.
    Your Mom

  2. jen said

    ok i was a little emotional when i came to the response, but then i read your mom’s words, short and sweet, but just about sent me over the edge, just because of feeling her love for you… wow! i just wanted you to know i read it. to me there is such beauty in honesty. thanks for sharing your heart with me and the world:)
    love, jen (smith)

  3. Kathy said

    Kate, I read your words and I know that it is not by chance that I came across your website…I know it was a blessing from God because your feelings are my EXACT feelings and although I am in the very beginning of the Russian adoption process, I still at times feel the unbearable pain and heaviness of my infertility. Thank you for letting me know it is okay to feel this way and that I am not crazy…just human. May God Bless you every moment of every day for reaching out to those of us that find comfort in your words…it is because of your words that tonight I may have one less tear drop on my pillow.

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