Snapshots

Tomorrow is Steve’s birthday and to celebrate, we went out to lunch today to spend the day together. Every year on our birthdays we ask the person celebrating the same few questions. One of them is, “what is a ’snapshot’ you have that would define the past year in ministry, in your personal life, and in our family?”

This question was an easy one for Steve. He described in detail the very moment that he saw his son for the first time. How we were sitting in the office of a Russian orphanage doctor when all of a sudden, the door opened and in walked the most precious little boy in the world…dressed in Mickey Mouse denim overalls with a blue and white sweater underneath and the cutest red shoes.

His hair was combed forward and he timidly walked towards us. He looked at me first, as I knelt down to be eye to eye with him. I stroked his little face, and in the background, we could hear our translator telling us that he is “very smart, very calm, very quiet.” Those words have become the soundtrack of my thoughts lately. I can’t get her beautiful Russian-accented words out of my mind when thinking about our little guy.

But, the snapshot for Steve was when our son took his eyes off of me and lifted his head up to make his first eye contact with Steve. You can see in the video that his eyes widen and a look of curiosity and wonderment spread across his face. The moment is indescribable. It is a moment we will always cherish. It is the snapshot of Steve’s 32^nd year of life.

And with a new year of life on it’s way, it brought questions of what this coming year will bring. Lord willing, it will be a year where we no longer have to wonder what our little one is doing, since we will be a part of what he is doing.

We will no longer have to wonder what he is wearing, since we will dress him.

We will no longer have to wonder who is taking care of him, since we will be kissing his booboos and singing him to sleep.

We will no longer have to wonder if he feels loved, since we will be telling him we love him every day.

Memories of him will be replaced by experiences with him.

Although our snapshot is one of breathtaking joy, this year has also been characterized by some of the most difficult times of our lives. We reflected back on how this past February we thought we would be getting our referral phone call, only to get another phone call letting us know that our region had changed and our wait basically started over.

We remembered back on those days and weeks where it felt like things were never going to happen. We remembered back to the fears of hearing about slow-downs in adoptions, wondering if we were just caught in a never ending system of waiting. It’s amazing how much can change in one day. And now when I think of our little man, I can’t imagine any other child for us.

I have to believe that as God moved the pieces and parts of our story, the twists and the turns, the waiting and more waiting, it was to line us up with the son He has prepared for us. If we hadn’t changed regions, we would never have known our little man. If it was any earlier, our little one wouldn’t have been available.

One of the things that I have been thinking about a lot lately is the verse in Psalm 113:

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise YOU because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before any of them came to be.”

I wrote a letter to our little man about the first day that I met him and I included this verse from Psalm 113. And then I said to him,

“Everyone says you have your dad’s eyes. I don’t know how that works. How someone on the other side of the planet could look so much like their forever father. Our translator told us that it’s not like they sit around and try to match children to parents based on their looks. She pointed to the sky and said, “God. He knows.”

And I have to agree with our translator. That as God was creating you in your mother’s womb, He was creating you to be our child. He knew what your first couple of years of life would be. He knew that your dad and I were praying for a child of our own. And so He created you – to be our son; us to be your parents. And He knew that at just the right moment, He would bring us together. Forever. Isn’t that amazing? I wish it had been sooner and we may never understand why it had to take so long. But, after seeing you for the first time, we knew that you were the one we have been waiting for. You are our son.”

We are so grateful to have this snapshot for the year. We have so much to be thankful for. God has given us far more than we could have ever asked or imagined. Thank you for walking this journey with us. Through the good, the bad and the ugly parts. Without all of those parts, a story is just a collection of random experiences, not really a story.

Our prayer is that our lives would communicate a story of God’s amazing love – through the good times, and the bad.

Updates:

• last night 3 of our high school girls shared their story of how God burdened their hearts to raise money for the orphanage where our son is living right now. So cool.
• We continue to wait for the call informing us of our court date

Prayer Requests:

• that our son would look at his picture book and somehow know “mama” and “papa” are coming back for him
• for strength as we approach a holiday season without him

Until next Monday, love Kate & Steve.

Thankful

Thanksgiving, for many of us, is a holiday that brings images of turkey, mashed potatoes, and Steve’s favorite, cranberry sauce. It sparks visuals of sitting around a table with family or friends.

This day on the calendar gives us permission to take time to give thanks and express our gratitude. But for some, this holiday is a difficult one.

I think of a girl in our ministry who just experienced death in her family leaving her with no parents.

I think of a friend who has a strained relationship with her family and is dreading the idea of all getting together on this day.

I think of a little boy in Russia who will wake up on Thursday like any other day and have no family to share the day. And I think of a couple who is longing for the day to finally be reunited with their son forever.

But even amidst the pain of separation, there is so much to be thankful for. This past year has brought pain and heart ache like I have never known, like having to say goodbye to our son without knowing when we would return.

But I have also experienced joy and gratitude and blessing like I have never known. The joy of seeing our little boy’s face for the first time. The blessing of those precious 5 hours with our little one, the giggles, the smiles, the hugs, the bonding. I am so grateful.

in the spirit of eating, here is our little guy feeding Steve

And on this Thanksgiving day, I will sit in awe and humility by the outpouring of love, support and encouragement that we have been given this year through people.

I think of the week before we left for Russia, and every day, people from all over were sending us money, gifts, encouragement cards and prayers.

I think of my parents and Steve’s parents who met us at our layover in the airport in Charlotte on our way home from Russia, to catch a glimpse of pictures of their grandson for the first time.

I think of the women who are planning baby showers for me over the next 2 months.

I think of a dear friend who made me a beautiful story book that has pictures of our little one and his story.

I think of 3 high school girls who raised $500 for our little one’s orphanage. Instead of asking for gifts for their birthday, they threw a fundraiser party and all of their friends brought donations.

I think of a family who sent us a box of gifts. Each child picked out a gift for our little one. One of the gifts that the young boy picked out was a Little People Rescue toy, and he said he picked it out because we were rescuing our son.

I think of one of my friends who drove me up to Cleveland for the second time in one week to get one document authenticated.

I think of the comments like, “I am praying for you.” “This must be so difficult to be away from your son.”

I think our notary, who works at our church, who drops everything she is doing to notarize our documents on a weekly basis, and she does it with a big picture of our little man posted on her wall.

I am grateful. In fact, I can’t even seem to think of a word that would match the gratitude that I feel in my heart. Through the pain of this process, I have experienced the unbelievable joy of poured out love into our lives. There is blessing on the road marked with suffering.

And on this Thanksgiving, we will still long for our son, but we will also have much to be grateful for. Far more than we have ever had. Thank you for being a part of that gratitude.

Updates:

• all of our paperwork should be in Russia at this time
• we await for it to be processed, then hope to get a court date soon

Prayer Requests:

• for patience and strength as we wait to be reunited with our little guy
• that he would somehow know in his heart that we are coming back for him

Until next Monday, love Kate & Steve.

Orphanage Syndrome

This morning Steve and I watched the unedited video footage from our time with our little boy in Russia. We laughed. We cried. We sat in awe of what an amazing time we had with him. Although total, we spent about 5 hours with our son, the connection of our hearts rooted deep into our souls, and we believed they rooted deep in him too.

By the end of the video, his eyes sparkled when he looked at us, a big difference from the confused and curious initial look in his eyes when he saw us on the first day. God truly is the weaver of hearts and lives and we are grateful for giving us far more than we could have asked for or imagined with those few hours.

As we watched we were also reminded of one of the more painful times we had with our son. We were having fun, playing and he went over to touch a nice vase that was in the room. I gently said, “nyet” (which means, “no”).

Suddenly his whole facial expression changed, he quietly sat down, then put his little hands over his eyes and began rocking back and forth. Steve and I immediately scooped him up in our arms and sat with him, holding him tightly, while whispering in his ear that we loved him over and over.

Within seconds (though it felt like hours) his little body just relaxed. He took a big deep breath, and he sat nestled into my chest as I held his sweet body. Then he got up and began to play again with a big smile on his face.

This whole experience broke our hearts and in fact, even writing about it now, brings tears to my eyes. This rocking back and forth is referred to as “orphanage syndrome”. Many children in orphanages do this when they are hurt or afraid. Since they don’t have a mommy or daddy to comfort them,  they have learned how to soothe themselves.

Because there are so many children in the orphanage, and the caretakers are working so hard to meet all of their physical needs, they are unable to address all of their emotional needs. So, the children have learned how to soothe themselves. Our hope and prayer is that when he comes home, he will learn that he doesn’t need to self-soothe anymore…that he has a mom and a dad who will hold him when he’s scared, lay with him when he’s sad, and help him when he’s frustrated.

As I watched the video today, it was as if God was reminding me with a visual, tangible example of His own love for us…for me. Through the frustration and the pain of all this waiting and paperwork, I so often run to other things to bring me comfort. I try to “stay busy” to make time go by faster or vent out my frustrations to friends or through this blog.

I try and try in many ways to make the pain of waiting go away on my own. I self soothe. I suffer from my own kind of orphanage syndrome. I go back to the things of myself to bring immediate relief or satisfaction without first going to the Great Comforter. He’s the One who so longs to hold me in His arms. He’s the One who whispers my name in His ear and speaks His love over me. He’s the One who quiets my soul.

So why do I continue to go back to the things that seem to bring relief,  these temporary, self-made imitations of true Comfort? I am reminded of this verse that has so come alive in my heart after visiting our son.

Romans 8:15, “For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba, Father.”

I have received a spirit of adoption. It’s a spirit that is no longer a spirit of fear, but of belonging and security. It’s a spirit that now can cry out, “Daddy, Father”. And I know that my daddy, Father is there, always, ready to bring comfort, peace, hope and love beyond anything that this world could offer and anything that I could bring myself.

Updates:

• we had to make another run up to Cleveland just days after doing it once already, but for now the bulk of our paperwork is done
• I’ve already received so much encouragement from people who are planning showers for us and our new little man

Prayer Requests

• for our little boy, that he would somehow know that his mommy and daddy are coming soon to get him
• for our paperwork to process quickly so we can get a court date

Until next Monday, love Kate & Steve.

Be strong, Take heart

Today has been one of those days…the kind where you want to stomp your feet, cross your arms and pout. The kind of day where you would love to revert back to the inhibitions of a 3 year old and throw a nice, big tantrum.

For the last 2 weeks we have been filling out piles of paperwork that needed to be sent out, sent back to us and sent out again.  We were hoping that it would all get back to us by today so we could take it up to Cleveland to get all of the documents state certified. Thankfully it all arrived! The day was going great so far.

I was so excited to get everything finished today.  Normally these documents would need to be mailed to the state secretary in Cincinnati. However, Cleveland has now opened an office (not that you care, but those are the things that excite me these days). So instead of paying lots of postage and having to wait several days, Steve and I were going to make a day of going up to Cleveland, finishing our paperwork, and doing some shopping in the area.

Everything went smoothly. After getting stuck in a parking garage (since they wouldn’t accept credit cards or checks to pay our fee) we got a call from our agency that we still need to complete yet another document.

I know it’s not that big of a deal. In the grand scheme of life and with all the problems in the world, news like this really shouldn’t send me into tantrum mode. But it did.

I was so excited to finally be free from the weight of this 2 year long paperwork. I was so looking forward to taking this stack of papers to the post office tomorrow morning and knowing that my part was finished for a while. Then comes a phone call informing me that it’s not finished. And our whole process gets held up because of one measley document.

It’s no one’s fault, it’s just the way this process goes. We’ve been told over and over again that international adoption is not for the faint of heart, and that you have to be totally flexible while having a sense of humor or you’d go insane. Today, I’m understanding why.

I just want to get over to Russia and be with my little boy. I want to hold in my arms and kiss him and hug him. I want to bring him home and live life with him. I want to rake leaves together and watch him fall in love with his daddy. But unfortunately, this is not a reality right now. One day it will be…and soon! But, my little 3 year old voice is crying out, “I want it right NOW!!!”

So we got home and I spent some time praying, pleading with God to comfort me. Immediately, this verse came to mind, “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Another version reads, “Wait on the LORD; be of good courage and HE will strengthen your heart.”

I love that the verse uses the word “LORD.” I learned in a Bible study once that when the Scripture has the word LORD in all capital letters, it is referring to God as the covenant-keeping God. I love that so much. The promise in this verse is that God will strengthen my heart as I courageously wait.

God is the heart-strengthening, covenant-keeping, all-loving, ever-faithful God. He knows the depths of my heart and loves me the same.

As I sat tonight, throwing my tantrum before Him, I felt as if He scooped me up in His loving, Fatherly arms and said, “Wait on ME. Be brave. I will give you the strength.” So, I took a deep breath. And here I am, writing, waiting, being brave.

Updates:

• the sooner this paperwork is complete, the sooner we will receive a court date
• Until then, our pictures and videos of our little guy have been a treasure chest to us

Prayer Requests:

• patience – we are so ready to be done with this process
• for our son – that God would knit his little heart to ours

Thanks for walking this journey with us. Everyone experiences the ups and downs and twists and turns in the paths they walk. I am grateful that so many people have chosen to walk our path with us. We have felt so much love and support and encouragement – it encourages me to be strong as I wait.

Until next Monday, love Kate & Steve.